LinkedIn Bid for TikTok Marks Breakthrough
Americans will welcome gains for national security and mental health
News over the weekend that LinkedIn, the staid social media platform, was preparing a bid to take over controversial rival TikTok obviously comes as an enormous relief. Above all, it will resolve the national security threat that comes from having such a powerful media network ultimately controlled by the Chinese Communist Party. But the combination also brings the welcome prospect of millions of teenagers spending much less time glued to their phones.
“We believe the combination of American ownership and a less addictive algorithm will lead to significant improvements in mental health, especially among young people,” said the company’s announcement late last night.
Tentatively, the combined new platform will be known as TikLink.
While details are still sparse, the company is said to be considering a merger of the two sites so that users can both share videos of singing huskies and offer thanks for the opportunity to join that great industry panel last week. Near-term improvements will likely include an AI tool that will allow you to speak directly to the panel host in a voice that sounds like the huskies.
Think synergies between innovative cooking with bacon and a fresh white paper on labor productivity in 17th century Thailand. Consider a mash-up of your cat’s latest dance moves and compelling insights on actuarial compensation trends. “The opportunities are endless!” former super-entrepreneur Sam Bankman-Fried posted from his current residence in Brooklyn.
Industry visionaries are quickly jumping on this rocketship: Developers from both MySpace and Friendster will drive the integration, while prophetic Google+ strategists will map the future.
Users will also rest easy that all their financial details, health concerns and secret hobbies will be under the safekeeping of LinkedIn’s parent company, Microsoft. The firm behind Zune, Windows 95 and Internet Explorer needs all the data it can get as it expands investments in OpenAI and ChatGPT (which is expected to be rebranded as Hal within the TikLink universe).
“The synergies of this deal are amazing,” said one industry analyst, noting TikTok’s owner ByteDance had been considering a competing offer to merge with the much more prickly content on X. “We’ve dodged a bullet there.” Another reported bid by former Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin also fizzled as he was unable to secure either the financing or the creative team from Threads.
After proper regulatory approvals, the new integrated site is set to launch next April 1.
This is genius!
Brilliant